The Afterlife is a Biohazard Bucket
Dear Beckie,
It’s me, your ill-fated UT. The day has finally approached when I join hands in the sweet hereafter with my sisters-in-arms, your wisdom teeth. Guess they weren’t so wise after all or they’d still be in your mouth. And maybe you should’ve kept them, your decision-making skills could use some help.
I hope you’ll miss me, you rotten wench. I hope you get fat, lose all interest in sex and finally get that beard you’ve been plucking out one hair at a time. I’ve told the ovaries to play dead so your surgeon will have to take them out, too….take that! I’m going to be laughing all the way to the pathologist and when I’m lying in the red plastic bucket you’ve doomed me to languish in until I’m incinerated, I’ll be singing this song:
What we had was real, not just dime store True Romance magazine pulp fiction love. Hell, bitch, we made babies together and now you want to kick me to the curb just because I may be the death of you if I stay? Whatever happened to “Till Death Us Do Part?” I’ve been with you since the beginning, for richer and for poorer, but I guess the “through sickness and through health” was the deal breaker, eh?
Fine. I’m leaving. Enjoy the rest of your life with a wombless cavity. Don’t worry about me. It was getting pretty old bleeding three weeks out of four and I’m tired. Sorry for being a snarky B earlier. I really will miss being a giant lumpy mess in your body, soul sister. I ain’t going to the East side but I think this song says it best for all the obsolete uteri of the world:
Love (and kinda hate),
Your Uterus
Good luck with the operation, Beckie.
Thanks, my friend! Gotta love doing drugs legally.
Sending all good thoughts and spirited “don’t-do-stupid-stuff-at-home-like-UNfollow-all-those-stupid-”rules”-your-Dr.-is-going-to-tell-you-NOT-to-do-for-a-while-BE-A-BELIEVER-in-stupid-rules….for a while. Sincerely.
Thanks, R, I will be a good patient! For once! I really don’t want to be fixing my bladder sometime along the line if it prolapses.
Good patient!! GREAT patient!!! Yea………..!
Damned those teeth, AND their ”mouthpiece” the Dentist. If I had listened to the one that did my pre-discharge (from the military, you naughty thinking girl!) exam, with all his “doom and gloom” about my wisdom teeth coming in at a bad angle (right!), I’d have completely missed out on that incredible chain-reaction-of-destruction-caused-by-teeth-being-smashed-together-over-time roller coaster ride of a lifetime!
But in the end sweet revenge was mine – I get to hear that awesome Simple Minds song every time I brush my few remaining teeth in front of my bathroom mirror!
Good luck Zen Master!
Thanks, sweetie. Bowel prep today, surgery tomorrow. What more fun could a girl ask for? Oh yes, my air conditioner just died! Sorry i asked the universe for more shitstorm clouds. Fml…I NEED ICE WATER!
“Bowel prep?” Oh dear, it would seem I completely misinterpreted what you meant by “UT” MZ! Guess I should’ve reflected more on the whole “we made babies together” thing, instead of just assuming a “kinkier” meaning instead. I am SO sorry!
Having seen how worried the other women in my life were when they had to go through it, including my ex (assuming I do have it right now), I want you to know that I will not rest until you let me know all went well!
No worries. Having a hysterectomy is getting me some much needed time to sit on my ass away from work! I may decide not to go back…I wish. I will let you know how much I enjoyed my hospital stay. It won’t be caviar and champagne but the pain meds should be fun!
I have an embarrassingly low tolerance for downers, but I swear that Demerol stuff was the best 5 seconds of my life!
Quite the parting shot from the UT…. hope all goes well and get over it SOONEST! Time for things going better.
Thanks gunta gus gus. I’ve heard many peeps are up and at it the next day. Gone are the days of slice and dice…I’m letting a robot do the honors. Thank goodness I don’t have to wear a huge scar like my poor momma. I’d do it either way, just to be rid of it!
I’ll be thinking of you, sweetie! please have your sweet thing post an all-is-well on FB? xxxooo
I will mom. I loves ya!
Well, I am glad to read you are going in with laughter! It’s much better than kicking and screaming! I guess it doesn’t matter if you kicked and screamed a bit too! You can laugh at the same time as kicking and screaming and maybe get the better meds after! Just make sure you go home! Thinking about you and wishing you a fast recovery!!!!!
Thanks, Windy! I will try not to make the nurses’ job too hard, as long as they give me lots of dilaudid. I’ll keep the groans down to a dull roar.
Just a little ‘come back soon’ from England and who knows the writing may be even sharper still, take care Becky xx
Thanks, Steve. Today is already 199% better than yesterday! I wanted someone to shoot me but today I can sit without feeling like I’m going to burst open and the swelling has gone down somewhat. Yay! Hopefully my wit will return in a few and I can laugh again. Right now I’m still a sourpuss. Xx back attcha-Beck
Most excellent post! Funny and poignant at the same time – how the hell do you DO THAT? Keeping you in my thoughts…
Fes, thanks muchly! I still feel like hammered shit but at least I can sit on the toitie without wincing today. Thank you, dearheart, for the kind words!
Really hope everything goes well.
Have you asked if you could keep it? Maybe get it taxidermied, or kept in a jar on the mantle or coffee table.
You know, as a conversation piece..
Hang tough, sis!
And having just read the bottom comments, I see that it does seem to have gone well.
Rock on, Zen!
I did ask for pics. She said no way to keeping it, though. Shucks! And thanks for your thoughts. All is well, still sore and bloated, but not that bad. And only four little incisions! I can still wear a bikini!
Hope this goes/has gone OK Beckie,
And do what they say for a change, take things easy.
Jim
It’s so hard to take it easy. I thought I’d be up and raring to go. Yesterday I went out to a movie and lunch and I was so dizzy walking. Strange, feeling like an invalid. I thought I was tougher than that! But it went just fine! Thank you so much, Jim.
Hows Tricks? Just listened to the Simple Minds above, ah memories – The Breakfast Club wasn’t it. classic anthem to my youth.
Jim
with you in spirit sweet MZN… take every bit of pleasure out of this – perhaps this rite of passage will be just the thing to keep your chi aflowing to the max… by now, I ‘spect you’re dozed out and feelin’ fine… be well so you can continue to be the swell girl I know and love!!!
hugzzzzzzz from the desert heat (but humid) of Minnesota!!!
Thanks BK! I feel like the zen may be on the horizon. It’s there, hovering, waiting for me. I will catch up to it eventually. Give me another couple of days.
Thank you for the wonderful words, all the way from humid Minnesota, land of the “wet heat”!
OMG I hope all is well with you. Don’t rush the recovery. Sometimes, as much as we hate it, the best thing is to be still! <3
hey, sweetie… just checking in to see how you are doing… sending you many many healing energies…
xoxoxo
My bladder is rebelling but all is well, BK, and thank you for your wonderful thoughts! It’s a joy to feel the love, chica!
Mmmmmmmmm been a bit quite so I thought I would just like to let you know I’m wondering how you are doing. I’m not use to Becky being quiet
……. Take care girl.
I’m with wheniwassalad. Hope your sense of humor is rocking you along, and that you’re doing great!
Your wacky posts are being missed here. Hope everything is OK?
All is well, Gunta Gus! Just haven’t been blogging…very busy and kinda lost my blog mojo for now. Thank you so much for the concern! Im still wacky but just putting it to other uses for now! Take care sweet thing!
Whew. That’s a relief. You kind of disappeared on a rather ominous note….
I realize I just dropped off the planet, so to speak. I’ve been meaning to get back but life is in my way!!! I’m starting to miss my community! Hope I get my sense of humor restored soon! Love love! -Beck
Hey Beckie: Just dropped by to say Hi. I hope all is well. I miss your craziness….take care…
Helloooooooooo!!!! Anyone home?
Hoping all is well, and you’re out and about enjoying the hell out of life.
Tumbleweed