Summer Lovin’, Happened So Fast
(Warning: Please click away from the blog if you’re uptight about your religion. Make love not war.)
Dear Jesus,
It’s me, Mags. I was strolling through the desert yesterday after we parted and I’ve decided I want to break up. You’re a really sweet guy but hanging around with lepers all day is not my cup of tea. And your home boys are giving me the creeps. You should see the way they leer at me when your back is turned. I’m not too keen on everyone thinking I’m just another camp tramp so I’m going back to my mother’s hut. And I’ve got to be brutally honest with you, Jesus…you suck in the sack. Maybe it’s a byproduct of your virginal birth and I should be more understanding. Maybe your Father should’ve shared more of his knowledge and power. So much for omniscience and omnipotence! I thought, with you being the son of God and all, that you would be my dream lover but I should’ve paid more attention to that roar of laughter coming from the clouds.
Me and the girls met up with your Posse last night at the Fig Leaf Cafe and we had a bit of a showdown. I’m sure you’ll hear about it so I may as well give my side of the story…(with a little help from “Grease”)
[Mags]
Met a boy, crazy for me
but it turned out he had a teeny weenie.
I may look like a cute little lamb
but in my heart I’m a trailer park vamp.
[Fig Leaf Cafe Grrls]
Summer days, driftin’ away but Ugh! Oh those summer nights!
[Jesus' Posse of Apostles]
Well-a well-a well-a, huh!
[All]
Tell me more, tell me more!
[Esther]
Did he come way too fast?
[All]
Tell me more, tell me more!
[Rebecca]
Cuz he sounds like an ass…
[Fig Leaf Cafe Grrls]
shoo-bop bop, shoo-bop bop, shoo-bop bop,shoo-bop bop, shoo-bop bop, shoo-bop bop, shoo-bop bop, YEH
[Peter]
Can’t you give a swell guy a break?
[Mags]
‘Spose I could but I’m a girl on the make
[Judas]
How’s he kiss? I just gotta know
[Mags]
You would ask, you low little toad
[Jesus' Posse of Apostles]
Summer sun, we’re all so spun. Cuz Ugh! Jesus has a small wank!
[All]
Well-a well-a well-a, huh!
[Fig Leaf Cafe Grrls]
Tell me more, tell me more!
[Ruth]
So he’s not very large?
[Apostle Posse]
Tell me more, tell me more!
[Paul]
Lost that bet with the sarge…
[All]
Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh
[Mags]
He whipped it out, I had to smile
It would be over in a very short while.
Went down on me in a last-ditch attempt
sad to say… that’s when I left.
[Mags and Fig Leaf Cafe Grrls]
Summer fling, didn’t even get bling, shoulda went for the butcher instead!
[All]
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
[Jesus' Posse]
Tell me more, tell me more!
[Simon]
So do you wanna shag?
[Fig Leaf Cafe Grrls]
Tell me more, tell me more!
[Rebecca]
She’s not that kind of hag!
[Mags]
So it’s over, that’s where it ends.
We can never be more than good friends.
I need a cock, not some little prick…
wonder if Peter’s got a big dick?
[All]
Summer scenes, a girl’s got to dream. Uh huh, yeah…those bad sweaty ni-ights!
[Mags]
Tell me more, tell me more!
So, Jesus, as you can see it got out of hand. I didn’t mean for it to turn out so snarky but I had a few glasses of wine and you know how sanctimonious those boys of yours can get when it comes to you! I could’ve put up with your small pecker and your premature ejaculation if only you would’ve talked less and well…put your money where your mouth is.
Good luck with the evangelism gig. I will never forget you (even though you may hate my guts now) and I hope your friends don’t leave any nasty graffiti about me all over Jerusalem.
Mags
Apostle Peter’s actually a nice guy once you get to know him. He’s just a little straight forward sometimes.
I like Judas and Simon the best. I always root for the underdogs and the obscure.
Watch out for that Judas. He’s a well…a Judas.
But I hear he’s a good kisser.
Ha, that’s rich.
And irreverant.
Ummmm…….I saw this number on the wall of the bath house……..ummmmmm…….It said “For a GREAT time, talk to Mags.” ;P
Damn, I knew poor Mags was going to get some backlash. Honesty is not always the best policy?
Soooooo………ummmmmmm………care for a stroll out to the oasis?
Depends on the size of your deli goods, says Mags.
Well…..you’ll have to see for yourself.
Brilliant, Just brilliant. I was drinking a can of cider when I read this and I nearly choked to death. You’re so funny, and I’m very, very jealous. You have got to write the book.
Just one thing: Wank – verb – to masturbate. Wank – noun – an act of masturbating as in he’s having a wank, or he’s wanking.
I couldn’t think of anything else to write
Woe is MZN. Perhaps “crank”? Do guys call it that?
Not sure this shouldn’t be required reading for people uptight about their religion.
But Grease? There should’ve been a warning for that…
Guap, Grease rules and you know it! Just be glad I didn’t spoof Mary Poppins or Pippin.
Oh my your posts are getting deep and sophisticated and as readable as ever. You would do well at the place I have been visiting this weekend, Cambridge. No not Massachusetts, Cambridge England, Corpus Christy, Trinity, Kings, Queens (no not those Queens) Girton, Darwin ……. oh I could go on but you get the drift. All this learning and my qualifications would allow me to sweep the streets I should imagine, if that. I don’t know where you go next in your musings, there is no symmetric it seems so I will just have to look in when I am notified that you are on the warpath again
Oh, dear lad, I’m always on the warpath.
I’m jealous of your trip, of course. They’d kick me out before I even got through the gates but thank you for the compliments! You always manage to make my heart sing, dear, dear S.
Always wondered what went on there. The Gang can be so cruel!
Jim
Jim, usually they’re pretty nice and stick to tripping book-laden nerds in the hallway. But Mags, lush that she is, got into the hooch and all hell broke loose. I’m sure JC found a more docile gal to hang around with.
I love everything about this! Great job – thanks for the laughs! : )
Thanks, dude. I love to talk smack about prophets’ peckers!
Becky I’m empowered to nominate you for a reward, not sure how this works but your worth it anyway. Its the 7×7 Link award for this post of yours, congratulations
Just don’t know how the hell to get the icon to you other than you copy it from my place 
Thank you sweetcheeks and congratulations to you! How nice of you to include me in your blog! Thank you so much!